


unused to the calm

by toue



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Relationships, Canon Trans Character, Coming Out, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Nonbinary Character, Trans NB Taako, trans angus
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 11:22:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18445538
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toue/pseuds/toue
Summary: He’d had tunnel vision in the past, and maybe he’d needed it. To protect Lup, to protect himself- to protect the crew.But they were safe now.In the calm after the Day of Story and Song, Taako realizes some things about himself he'd never had a chance to consider. Angus helps.





	unused to the calm

**Author's Note:**

> heyo i do talk pretty in-depth about dysphoria in this thing, it's based off of my own experiences as a nonbinary person. so if that's somethin' that's going to upset you go read something else! i will not be offended in the slightest. take care of yourself!  
> but it's a happy story i think, overall. it feels pretty hopeful to me at least
> 
> i'm sick of looking at it so enjoy!

Angus came to him a few weeks after Refuge with the request.

Taako was resting face-down on his bed- he’d collapsed there after training and had yet to summon the willpower to move. But a timid knocking on his door roused him enough for him to roll onto his side.

“Come on in, Angle,” Taako called. Because the knock was far too light to be Magnus’ and far too hesitant to be Merle’s.

Angus shuffled in, closing the door behind him.

“Um, sir?” Angus asked. “Are you… busy?”

And Taako’s magic boy looked… worried? Upset? Clearly there was something pressing on his mind.

Taako grumbled as he propped himself into a sitting position, preparing for a lengthier conversation.

“You know you can just call me Taako, kid,” Taako muttered, though he knew by this point it was no use. “What’s got you looking like such shit?”

Angus slouched a bit, disheartened, looking everywhere but at Taako. This was when Taako really started to worry.

“Uh, hey. Hop up here, Ango. Pop a squat,” Taako said, patting the bed next to him. Angus hesitated for only a moment before walking over and hoisting himself onto the bed.

Uneasy, Taako placed a light hand on Angus’ shoulder, aiming for something comforting.

“What’s going on, Angus?” Taako said, opting to use his real name this once.

Angus straightened a bit under Taako’s hand, taking a shaky breath.

“I wanted to ask you about… a spell,” Angus said.

Taako huffed out a breath, unconvinced.

“That’s all?” Taako said. “Kid, you look like somebody burned down the library. What’s going on?”

“Will you just… _listen_?” Angus snapped.

The two sat in silence for a moment, both caught off-guard by his outburst.

“Uh, yeah, kid,” Taako said. “Go ahead. I’m all ears.”

“Sorry, sir,” Angus muttered, before clearing his throat. “I’m looking for spells that have to do with… body modification.”

Taako swallowed down any number of shitty jokes he could have made about tattoos or piercings and wai ted for Angus to elaborate.

“Um, like- gender, stuff?” Angus said, voice rising in pitch as he spoke. “Like, I don’t want to. I’m a boy. I’m a boy and I don’t want to grow wrong and I… I don’t…” Angus’ breath was shaky with tears, now, the boy crossing both arms across his chest almost subconsciously as he doubled over with unrealized sobs.

Taako hadn’t known that Angus was trans- but that wasn’t the pressing issue right now. The issue was that Angus was upset and Taako had no clue how to comfort a child.

Desperate, Taako reached down, hoisting Angus into a full-body embrace, settling the boy in his lap. And Angus finally broke down then, tears soaking his cheeks as his body shook with sobs. His hands clutched desperately at Taako’s blouse.

(Taako cast silence on the room, as a courtesy. He  doubted Angus would want  Magnus or Merle rushing in right about now .)

Angus settled after a few minutes, sniffling.

“So, uh, correct me if I’m wrong, here, but this is what I’ve gathered,” Taako said. “You’re looking for a hormone inhibiting spell, yeah?”

Angus nodded.

“Yes, sir,” he said. “I’m still young but- pretty soon my body is going to start changing in ways I’m unhappy with.”

“Yeah, that tracks,” Taako hummed. “I feel like I’ve seen spells of that sort before- tell you what, kid. I’m gonna do some research on my end and I’ll get back to you. This is some high-level shit, yeah?”

Angus nodded, clearly trying to conceal disappointment.

“But we’re going to get this worked out,” Taako continued, “Because this is important. I get that. I get that- this isn’t something I’m going to goof about, okay, Angus? Promise.”

Angus sniffled, pulling him into a suffocating embrace.

“Thank you, thank you,” Angus murmured.

Taako placed his hands lightly on Angus’ back, trying to decipher the odd sense of  d éjà  v u this whole experience brought about.

 

Taako’s research for Angus was interrupted when  the Reclaimers were shipped out to the Felicity Wilds. The Day of Story and Song came and went, and with his memories back, Taako was easily able to help Angus out. After all, he’d been able to help Lup with something similar all those years ago.

 

“I like the new style, Koko,” Lup hummed.

They were currently eating dinner together a week out from the not-apocalypse, Kravitz and Barry seated with them at the table.

(Well, Lup was mostly just keeping them company, as she still lacked a corporeal form to eat with.)

“New style?” Kravitz prompted, glancing at Taako’s outfit. It was something pretty normal for Present Day Taako: a flouncy skirt paired with a blouse. But it was a drastic change from old Taako’s wardrobe.

“Yeah, guess you’ve never seen how I used to dress, huh, Krav?” Taako said. “I wasn’t nearly so fashionable, back in the day.”

“I mean, I wouldn’t say that,” Barry blustered. “You and Lup always look good.”

Taako snorted.

“Thanks, Barold,” Taako said. “But, uh, I guess I just got sick of wearing all that boring shit.” 

For most of his life,  Taako’s wardrobe  had c onsisted mainly of tailored outfits that sat close to his body. Often he’d add touches of whimsy to them, but his priority had always been maintaining his dexterity.

“Never used to bother you,” Lup noted.

Taako paused.

“You know, it was after Sizzle it Up, and I...” Taako trailed off, his throat drying out too much to speak. He reached for his wine, gulping down a few sips. 

( He was so stupid . This was his family. He should be able to talk about this now.)

There was silence for a few moments before Lup floated closer to Taako,  her form  fizzing comfortably at his side.

Blessedly, she changed the subject.

 

After Sizzle it Up- that’s when he’d started experimenting with his clothes. Hiding himself in plain sight under layers of rich fabrics and arcane cosmetics became second nature in those next few months.

And even after he was  relatively safe  from the law , he kept the style. He liked the look and feel of interesting fabrics,  enjoyed their weight and texture as they hung off his body. It grew to be a kind of self-care for him.

On days he loathed himself for what he’d done, he’d layer as many flowy garments as possible on top of himself, watching his figure disappear beneath them.

It  was satisfying, somehow.

 

Angus would be showing up any minute now.

Lucas’ school was on Winter Break, so Angus was going to crash in Taako and Kravitz’s guest room for a couple of weeks. Which was totally cool and fine.

What  _wasn’t_ totally cool and fine was that Taako couldn’t pick out an outfit for the life of him.

They’d been planning a dinner out at one of Faerun’s nicer restaurants to celebrate Angus’ accomplishments. So  Taako wanted something formal.

He put on  a classic suit first, before looking at himself in the mirror and deciding that it felt  _bad_ . The outfit made him feel wrong and gross in a way he couldn’t articulate. He sighed, realizing it was going to be one of  _those_ days. Kravitz teased him for taking so long to get ready, but finding the perfect outfit was hard! 

Thankfully, Kravitz was going to be meeting them at the restaurant, so at least Taako didn’t have to suffer that embarrassment tonight.

Taako pulled the  suit off as quickly as he was able, tossing it somewhere on his floor before reaching for- what, a dress? Sure.

He pulled on a slinky number. He loved this dress, and on some nights it felt great, but tonight- no. Nope. Wrong again.

Taako huffed out a frustrated breath, pulling the dress off of him and going back to the drawing board.

By the time Angus arrived, the entire room was in disarray, a mess of clothes that Taako had deemed  _not right._

He’d finally settled on a long skirt that grazed his ankles paired with a sparkly sweater and a shawl.

He could hear Angus let himself into their house, having been given a key shortly after they moved in.

“I’m in my room, bubbelah!” Taako called, pulling his hair back. No, that wasn’t right. Should he wear it down today?

“Hello, sir!” Angus called, pushing open the door before freezing, taking stock of the room. “I… what happened in here?” Clothes were strewn everywhere, the room even more cluttered than was typical for Taako.

“Had some issues picking an outfit, is all,” Taako dismissed. “Couldn’t find anything that felt right.”

Angus brightened a bit.

“Oh, I know how that is!” he said. “Today I spent quite a while figuring out what to wear. I chose this blazer because it makes my shoulders look broad!” The boy puffed his chest out proudly. _Precious_.

“I’m glad you get it, hon,” Taako said, finally moving over to give the kid a hug. “Kravitz thinks I’m nuts. But sometimes you look in the mirror and everything you’re wearing makes you feel super terrible, and like? Am I expected to go out feeling gross as hell?”

Angus pulled back from the embrace, giving Taako an odd look.

“Those are strong words, sir,” Angus said. “If you feel gross in something, shouldn’t you just get rid of it?”

“They’re perfectly good clothes, Angus,” Taako protested. “But, ah, hm. You know, on Monday I could like wearing that nice red dress, but on Tuesday I could feel super wrong in it. And on Tuesday I’d maybe wear pants and a blouse, but on Wednesday I pick a crop top and a skirt because those pants suddenly feel like- visual sandpaper. You know?”

Angus blinked at him.

“Sir, I...” Angus trailed off, his face scrunching like it did when he was given a tricky puzzle to solve. “Taako, should I stop calling you sir?”

Taako shook off the whiplash from the sudden change of subject, responding quickly in the affirmative.

“Yeah, kid, I’ve been telling you that forever,” Taako said, relieved. “Just call me Taako. Never liked the ‘sir.’”

Angus nodded thoughtfully before insisting on helping Taako pick up.

 

In all of his long life, Taako hadn’t truly had time to relax until now.

In his early years he was hopping caravans and scrounging by with Lup at his side. Later on they were working their asses off to get into the IPRE, and then they were on a century-long death mission, being pursued by the Hunger.

And then- Taako was alone. And he could never be whole without Lup, not truly.

So- now he could breathe. Now he had time to do meaningless enjoyable shit without feeling like he was avoiding his problems.

It was strange.

Stranger yet was that he was starting to learn new things about himself. He’d once thought that after a certain age you generally knew yourself pretty goddamn well.

But Taako was only now realizing that there was _so much_ he hadn’t had time to learn about himself. He’d had tunnel vision in the past, and maybe he’d needed it. To protect Lup, to protect himself- to protect the crew.

But they were safe now.

Taako was taking Angus to some museum in the city, and he was once again trying to figure out what to wear.

On the Starblaster, he threw on his robe with whatever outfit was cleanest. There was no time for anything else.

But now- he had time. And it was _grueling_.

Angus knocked on his door.

“Come in,” Taako said, pulling on a random shirt.

Angus walked in, examining the state of the room.

“Do you need help picking an outfit, Taako?” Angus said. And Taako was unspeakably glad that the kid had quit it with the “sir” thing. It was about time.

“I don’t know, Ango, I’m not sure I want to take fashion advice from an infant,” Taako mused.

Angus rolled his eyes.

“What would make you feel most comfortable today?” Angus asked. “Skirt, or pants?”

“Skirt,” Taako said.

“Long or shirt skirt?” Angus continued, already picking through the closet.

“Uh...” Taako considered a short skirt, but- no, not today. Too much leg. It was winter, anyway. “Long.”

Angus pulled out a large and fluffy purple skirt that would just barely kiss the ground when he walked, handing it to him.

“Long sleeve or short sleeve?” Angus asked.

“Long sleeve,” Taako said. “Uh, high collar, maybe?”

Angus handed him a white sweater with cartoonishly large bell sleeves and a turtleneck.

“That work?” Angus said.

“Gotta change into it to know,” Taako replied. Angus nodded and scurried out of the room.

The outfit was- good. It felt good. Nothing was off. He added some dangly earrings.

He left his room to find Angus reading a book in the living room.

“Thanks, kid,” Taako said, ruffling his hair. “This is good.”

“I’m glad!” Angus said, beaming.

“You ready to head out?” Taako said.

Angus froze, deep in thought.

“Actually, can we talk first? There’s something I’ve been thinking about.” Angus said. “Uh, nothing bad!” Taako’s anxieties ceded slightly with the reassurance.

“Sure thing, bubbelah,” Taako said. “What’s on your mind?” He took a seat next to Angus on the couch.

“I’ve been trying to decide if it’s my place to say anything,” Angus said. “And it’s probably… not? But I see that you’re struggling and I wanted to offer some… information.”

Angus was clearly choosing his words carefully.

“Struggling?” Taako said. “I’m fine, hon.” And he was. What was there to be upset about?

“You know, with the clothes,” Angus said. “And feeling gross in your body. And that stuff.”

Taako shook his head.

“That’s- that’s silly stuff, Angus,” Taako shook his head. “Nothing you need to worry about.”

“It’s not silly to feel so bad about yourself every time you try to get dressed,” Angus said. “When I was little, and my parents- they’d make me wear dresses. And I felt like that.”

“Like… what?” Taako asked.

Angus’ face screwed up in disgust.

“Like, gross and wrong in my body,” Angus clarified. “And the outfit was wrong, but also, I was wrong?”

“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t wanna,” Taako murmured, frowning.

“But it sounds a lot like what you were saying, Taako,” Angus spoke. “And- if you’re going through gender stuff, I know lots of resources now that I can pass along to you.”

_Gender stuff_ .

So funny, that he hadn’t had a chance to consider it before now.

Lup was trans. And when she came out to Taako, Taako found that some part of him understood.

At the time he wrote it off as twin intuition, and also, like, empathy or some shit.

But-  well.

“I’ll think it over,” Taako acquiesced, giving Angus’ shoulder a squeeze. “Now, are we still going to this fucking museum, or what?”

 

Candlenights came and went, but Angus, Taako and Kravitz stayed at Lup and Barry’s house for a few nights after the celebration, enjoying the company too much to leave.

Taako caught Lup on the porch late on evening,  sitting on a lawn chair and  staring out at the fireflies dancing over the lawn.

“They only came out in the summer back on our home plane,” Lup mused, not even turning as he walked up and sat on the chair beside her.

“Things are different here,” Taako said, just as quietly. “But I don’t mind.”

“It’s good,” Lup said.

T aako found her hand and held it, silently watching the bugs flicker with energy, listening to the wind brush by.

“Hey, Lulu?” Taako said.

“Yeah?” Lup replied.

“I don’t think that I’m a man,” Taako said. Despite himself, his voice broke.

“No shit, you’re an elf,” Lup joked, before stilling. “Wait, are you serious?”

“Yeah. Yeah, Lup,” Taako smiled, overwhelmed with quiet relief. “Not a man.”

Lup’s head came to rest on his shoulder; she squeezed his hand firmly.

“That’s rad,” she said simply. Taako burst out laughing, tears flowing unbidden from his eyes.

 

Barry, Lup, Angus and Kravitz congregated in Lup’s dining room the next day, Taako making the announcement as though he hadn’t been ruminating over it for months.

He wasn’t a man, but he was okay with he/him pronouns. He wasn’t a woman either. He didn’t like gendered language.

“I can call you my partner from now on, if you’d prefer,” Kravitz said. Taako’s heart swelled.

Of course he’d known his family would be accept ing . It still made him emotional to experience it.

“Yeah, that’d be great,” Taako said.

 

And it made a difference when he was getting dressed. Now that he knew what was causing the discomfort, he could accommodate it more easily when it came up.

He knew that on some days he was more self-conscious about certain parts of his body than on others. He figured out how to gauge his comfort on any given day and dress for it.

 

A few months later, he showed up at Angus’ dorm with a  batch of his favorite cookies.

“You didn’t have to, Taako!” Angus said, giving him a hug. “What’s the occasion?”

“I uh, guess I just,” Taako cleared his throat before continuing, “I never thanked you for helping me figure out my gender shit.”

“That’s nothing to thank me for!” Angus said. “We’re even! You helped me too, remember?”

That was another world entirely, before his memories returned. He  vaguely remembered promising to help Angus with a hormone blocker spe ll. Knowing it was important,  even then.

“Folks like us gotta stick together, Angle,” Taako said simply.

Things were good.

Different, but he didn’t mind.

**Author's Note:**

> bbbbbb hope this was a good read. i hyperfocused and wrote it all at once LOL. being trans is cool, being nb is cool and also clothes are cool. goddamn do i love clothes. there's so many gratuitous descriptions of clothes in this thing and that's 100% a Me problem. like goddamn. love me some fabric
> 
> anyway hey as always, i super duper appreciate kudos, comments, or bouquets delivered to my doorstep. even if u just comment a keysmash it makes my day. goth bless


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